Jokes You Submitted
1. A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows 'One burger!' Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm afew times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. The old lady says, 'That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.' The counterman says, 'Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts.
2. There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive,who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who: 1)would treat her nicely 2)wouldn't run away from her, 3)would be good in bed. Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said 'I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you.' The woman replied, 'Yes, but are you good in bed?' And the man said with a smirk on his face, 'How do you think I rang the doorbell?'
3. A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come inpacks of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. 'Well,' he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.' The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating. The girl leans over and says, 'You never told me that you were such a religious person.' He leans over to her and says, 'You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.'
4. Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, 'What's that Mommy?' A little embarassed, she tells him that is is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, 'Where is your sponge mommy?' Again embarassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. 'What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?' 'The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!'
5. Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call
mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall
to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for
Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand.
I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told
the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for
Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand.
Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex
in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant
asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned
to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But
you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me
a show-off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody
of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge
said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said,
"Me too." Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for
him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00
in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up Friday.